Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
