Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
