We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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