I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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