Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
