Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
