I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
