PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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