so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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