I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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