toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
