Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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