I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
