The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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