I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
