When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
