Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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