So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
