You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
