so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
