dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
