I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
