Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize