I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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