Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
