I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
