9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
