I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
