Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
