I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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