it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
