I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
