meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
