I'm so fucking centered right now
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
