Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
