I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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