I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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