Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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