I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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