More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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