I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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