She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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