Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
