I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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