my mouth tastes like poor choices
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
