Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
