I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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