In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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