Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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