i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
