he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
