Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
