I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Still dying that you shit outside
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
